In case I die.  

Side note:

Suddenly, I don't want to sleep. Scared even. I want to do everything at once. It is as if time will continue to pass if I don't do something and it will be too late. I am such a contradiction. I want time to enjoy life then again I want time to bring a moment faster.

Improvement. That's what they say. I'm learning to be more patient and organized. My hope came true. I did say I needed that extra push so I can be independent and it's happening right now. I already have a routine. Other than going to work, chores seem like part of my day-to-day activities. Still, I wish I had that uplifting rush I usually feel back home when I pass through our doorway and say "I'm home". Then I usually go straight to look for my little brother and hear him laugh and tell me his day. The comfort zone that I complained about is now what I miss the most. Yes, I know. If something is there, you don't want it. When it's not, you just got to have it. Dang the conundrum of life.

I'm trying to achieve everything that I want. But I still feel lonely. I just hope it will be worth it because I believe in all my heart that it is. It will have to take just one step at a time and that each step will bring me closer to fulfillment, success, and finally, happiness.

No questions today.

No Expectations 

Everyday seems like eternity. I count the days. I hate the feeling of waiting. What if I'm waiting for nothing? Maybe this is the point where there will be different paths to take.

I still want the rosy path but it isn't always that way. My guide is telling me that I have to take some rocky paths to reach my destination. Then again, I have a guide to lean on. I'm always yearning for an advice or two. What if we get separated? What then? I feel useless on my own but the reality is I am on my own. I have to just shove all my emotions into one bag and throw it in the deep recesses of my heart.  

The floodgates have been open lately. Each night like clockwork, they have never stopped flowing. I guess the functions are not working anymore.  It takes time.  It will take time.  

Question for the day: Where is time if not here? 

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Patience has not always been my best friend. He hasn't really been up close and personal with me. We are more of acquaintances. Sometimes I get to say hi and hello, but we've never really chatted for long periods of time. I hope we can get to know each better. I really do. I need his encouragement and optimism. I long for his friendship and his shoulder to depend on. Why we've never really pushed our relationship to the next level is really due to my stubbornness.

Question for the day: Oh patience, can we be friends?

In between waiting and hoping...

When I make a mistake, it feels to me a domino effect might occur. I don't want that to happen. I stress over that mistake and I feel so much regret. I'm trying my to be positive and just do better. But I feel hopeless. I feel like this is something that I should not have committed wrongly.

Mistakes are usually undone. All you can do is just fix it or just refrain from doing it again. It is never really erased. I'm speeding things too fast and it bites me in the ass. I should just think things through and analyze things. In the end, I will lose more time if I commit mistakes in the process.

I try to be positive. I try. That's so hard for me. I tend to wallow to the extent of writing about it now. I want to fester the wound of my mistake. Dang. I thought I'm over this.

Double check. Thinking things through. Ask for a second eye. These are the things that should be permanently ingrained in my head. Carelessness is not an excuse. I have to stop making excuses. I just hope reality gives me one more chance. I have had thousands of chances and I know that in this case, time is not on my side.

Give me hope.

Question for the day:
How do you mend a mistake?

Comparisons

There is no originality anymore. Maybe a few hits but I don't get to see it often. So rather than do something original or be happy with one, I've been unintentionally comparing one thing from the other. I'm feeling a bit lost because I think what I have is coming up short with my expectations. But I feel guilty for feeling that way because I already have what I want. Or do I?

Multiplicity

I can observe really well if I put my mind into it. I can also tune out from a conversation but still look interested if I choose to. Yes, like a functional appliance it seems that I have different functions I can perform at a specific time. Even multiple functions all at once if necessary. Here's the spanking brand new yet old multi-function Zeri. Comes in different colors and sizes.

Stage

Recently, I've been bumming around and it makes me lose my mind over trivial things. I have nothing to occupy my hands so I occupy them with thoughts that lead to exaggeration and paranoia. Sometimes, I even create various scenarios on what kind of life will I be having in the future which leads me back the exaggeration and paranoia. A never-ending cycle.

Question for the day:
Will you let me know if you still want me (if I turn out to be a psycho)?

Wicked.

That's me. A fight ensued and I laugh as if it's not really happening. I feel the hurt but I still laugh.

Morbid.

A person died. I say that there probably is a death mark somewhere. I laugh again thinking that it might be fate that people die all around that person. I sympathize but I still laugh.