Two times the thoughts...twice the pain

I dread being me. Having to be the one to give all the hurt and pain to another person.

My first...my ever...but you are what I believe to be my eternal...Don't make me regret my past. I believe I am a stronger and wiser person because of it.

I should not hate because it means that I love. I cannot harbor hatred towards my past because it will eat me up inside. Fears that shed the tears will release me eventually.

If all that matters is to make me happy, then I am...with you.

Intrepid. I am not.

The whole night I have searched for things that will make you happy. It was still selfish because I wanted to make myself happy by making you happy. When can happiness be really for the other? Apparently I can’t make you happy.

Maybe I’m the kind of person who can only survive by being miserable. This sounds so much like other people who reason out that they need to be sad in order to feel alive. I do not wish it but it’s there.

I want to understand me. If not for the sake of me, but for the sake of others.

I do wonder what will happen if there are 2 of me.

Charms. Sweetened words. Flirtation. Repeated suggestions. Indulge me!

Once again... Do you love the lies? I sometimes do. It's nice to hear and difficult to let go. But I believe that I am one tough cookie so maybe the lies can slide pass through and they won't get in.

When you're looking, you can't find it. When you're not looking, then it turns up.

My plea was heard but not the way I expected it. I was going to start to pust some distance but then again...life will never make it too simple for me.

Deception --- my middle of everything.
I will hide if I have to but I don't want to. I will say what I want to say. I will give what I can. My life, so bear with it. Please bear with me. I don't understand why I am what I am. Letting go...not letting go, they are all mixed up. Starting afresh? Erasing memories? Starting again after a setback? Going back to what was? What are all of these?

"I've run out of complicated theories
So now I'm taking back my words
and I'm preparing for the breakdown..."

you are messing with me...I look...I search...I want sanity, I want to expect the things I need to be there. I want consistency. Why are you still making me mad? Why are you making me this way? Where the hell are you? I just need to know sometimes. I just want to be in the know, without even you knowing that I am-in-the know. I just need to have that in my system. To hell with my system, to hell with predictability.

Middle. Who would want to be in the middle?

In the middle of a crowded MRT ride, in the middle of the street crossing traffic, in the middle of a fight between friends or lovers, in the middle of a sentence and you can't finish it, in the middle of a decision of 'yes' or 'no', or just plain in the middle of everything.

Do you want to be in the middle?

For me, I long for just being in the 'middle'...not above, below, high or low...just in the 'middle'. Then whatever happens, deal with it.

My previous entry tells me that I'm happy. I was. I realize that I need to say that I was happy. Yesterday...I was happy. Today...I was happy. Tomorrow...I was happy.


It's not the end of the world...but what if it is? How would you spend your last day on earth?*

Tell me..because I'm feeling pretty much selfish nowadays. Thinking of how to spend that last day is giving me a headache. I still can't choose...And I need an answer. Any answer would do...Yours? Something selfish just to ease my guiltlessness for being just as selfish too.

*Warning: this will happen to you if you watch Grey's Anatomy continuously in one sitting... ;)