Words. The things that are uttered.
Flirtation. The power that is used.
Sensation. The feeling I have.
Fleeting. The passing that comes.
Deceit. The lie that I accept.

Suddenly, I'm starting to feel like just doing something selfish than something right. What is 'right' anyway? It can be misleading. One would say that what they are doing is the 'right' thing...but it could just be a matter of opinion.

Myself. Yourself. Nothing will ever be the same. My aunt did say that women are just too giving and I guess she's right. She told me that the only way to protect onself is to make sure that the other guy loves you more than you love him. It's so sad right? Then again, fear is talking.

Once again, do not ask if you'd rather not know the answer.

Assumptions.... --> just let them be that

I'm starting to hate this, it feels like him all over again. I'm ending it right now as fast as I can. Crying is not my cup of tea anymore. No...and no. Leave before it's too late.

Siyet, di ko na mainitindihan sarili ko...kasi naman masyado ako nag-iisip. Di ko talaga mapigilan sarili ko, at least na nga lang wala pa akong sinasabi.

Upperhand. Competition. Battles. Whatever...whatever.

Bwi-sit, ito na naman ako. Nothing is ever what it seems so I shouldn't judge immediately. I've been too giving? No...I'm not. Too emotional? Sabi ko nga wag eh. Too hopeful? Yeah I am. Happy endings are just not for me. NO! I can't stand not being able to find such a thing.

Hating is too close to loving so it seems that I'm starting to experience both. Infatuation stage is too misleading. It creates a bubble of hope for something that you call love. But it's not the same. Stop at that Zeri...on that bubble and prick it with a needle so that it ends now. As in now.

What would you rather have: someone who loves you or someone you love?

I wish I can be different for you...

Ouch, really, it hurts a lot but I guess it's what I deserve. I wish I can make everyone around me happy but I can't. How I wish that I can be the one that can hold you and give you the love that you clearly deserve? I gave you what I thought was the best truth that I can ever give. I'd rather not lead you on and give you me when I know there's nothing of me I can give. (I might have but would you like it that way?)

Selfish that I am. I've also thought of what's best for me but I'd rather not hurt someone in the process (despite the fact that I might have). I'd want us to be friends, you know that...I'd rather have you than not at all, but if you wish to distant yourself then I should be happy for the memories that you have given me.

If words were meant to hurt, then maybe I shouldn't have read them at all...

*addressing you with what you said to/about me...I might never forget them...*

Tangle...untangle

Worries: Thesis, health, work, and concentration

Certainty is my enemy. I've pondered different 'what ifs' and I guess that is why I'm making a fool of myself by asking too many questions when the answers will come in time. I'm trying to be certain and uncertain at the same time. I hope this thing can work but at the same time it feels like I'm preparing myself for the worst.

Difficulty is my friend. Have I ever been in one? Almost all the time so don't bother trying to figure out why everything has to be difficult. Then again, we are the ones who complicate things. Maybe human beings just thrive on being able to be challenged.

I guess I'm just working my mind too much. One step at a time, remember Zeri?

Other things:
Artic nights have been more tiring than usual. Can someone remind me again why I'm doing this?

My dreams have been vivid than usual. Can someone tell me if dreams are just that or can they mean more than they actually are?

Is everything going to be temporary?

Nothing is what it seems. I've been over this path before and I'm not sure if it's just really the way I am because I find myself fighting again. It comes then it goes. It has been difficult for me to know if that's what I really want or not. Here I go again...Does it always have to be about me? Maybe just once, can it be be about someone else?

Rebelling against the thought. I recently had a dream about a certain bestfriend of someone. I'm not sure what was the significance of the dream but it felt like it's a closing of a chapter. Then again, dreams can be misleading.

Looking forward to something else. I've been a little skeptical in the ratio of good things to bad things that happen to me, so I guess I can't really say whether or not I'm looking forward to what the future might hold in store for me.

For the other. It's been over and done with but what if it's not what it's supposed to be or hope to be?

If smiles were meant to ease then maybe I should be glad to have them received.

Status: Here at Adcongress..interesting talks (What is the future of Philippine Advertising?) , speakers (Peter Wallace, a guy from Australia), hosts (Mike Enriquez -- making the talks fun in between) , performers (Lea Salonga *woot) , food (lechon, squid, mangoes yummmyy...) , drinks (Sunset Crazy...it did feel like that haha!) , places (The Tinder Box, really nice...) and experiences.

It's not all that I expect it to be though. (I had no big expectations anyway...just one!) This expectation, however, is not working out because I'm kind of distracted by mixed messages from somewhere else.

Just one question: Where are all the cute and hot guys that I wanted to meet here? haha! There were some but my friend Simoun seems to have first dibs on them. Cge na nga, never mind.... and... *RA, stop reading my blog. Hihi...just kidding!

Hidden status: Missing someone? Maybe, maybe not... *kulit ni zeri, muah!

Smiles that were meant for you

Longing is just the thing that will find a way to worm in my heart
---> Am I going to let my heart rule my head?

Reading something about me is just the thing that will make you think
---> Am I going to let myself be fooled again?

Hoping is just the thing that will find its way to create sadness within me
---> Am I going to let it go or not?

Nothingness might be far away but I'd rather stay.
I want to have this one moment rather having never met.
Giving might be around the corner, something that might be for forever.
I may never know what it truly means to have someone like you who seems...;)

Shall we find out? ;)

Daydreams even at night. The positive 'what ifs'. How I wish...

Am I coming to a decision?

Hidden agenda -- it's probably one reason why I want to come up with my decision. I think being selfless is not going to work on me (but I will try). So do I say or do I not? I have to say it eventually...or not..Before or after Cebu?
*ang daming tanong, walang sagot, kainis!

Fear -- Don't want to do something that I might regret later. What do you regret more? Having done something or not at all?

It's a good feeling though...I haven't been giddy for a while and it just makes me feel like I can soar again. I know it's really not a good thing to even hope for something that I probably wouldn't get. But just this once can I just be 'cinderella' and make-believe? It's been a while since I took my mind to the imaginative places that I use to go (this is from reading too many books, which I haven't been able to do lately) *sigh.

If you must know, then you better...

Push the Button
by Sugahbabes

I'm busy throwing hints that he keeps missing
Don't have to think about it
I wanna kiss and
Everything around it but he's too distant
I wanna feel his body
I can't resist it

I know my hidden looks can be deceiving
But how obvious should a girl be?
I was taken by the early conversation piece
And I really like the way that he respect me

I've been waiting patiently for him to come and get it
I wonder if he knows that he can say it and I'm with it
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Catch this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control

I'm busy showing him what he's been missing
I'm kind of showing off for his full attention
My sexy ass has got him in the new dimension
I'm ready to do something to relieve this mission

and I really wish...

After waiting patiently for him to come and get it
He came on through and asked me if I wanted to get with him
I knew I had my mind made up from the very beginning
Won't miss this opportunity so you and me could feel it 'cos

If you're ready for me boy
You'd better push the button and let me know
Before I get the wrong idea and go
You're gonna miss the freak that I control...

"Creases in my mind...fissures in my heart..." - A line I've said before. One that describes the anxiety that I'm feeling.

Artic 'playtime' is taking my time away from my lovely bed. ;) I almost didn't want to go. My mom said I should go. I did and I had fun. It created the temporary 'high' that I usually crave but not satisfied.

The highs for that night:

Outfit - I was totally going to wear something comfortable but mom wanted me to look good so she got the shorts, I got the top. Presto! I really liked what I wore that night. It was me. I just wished that....

Artic Ice - Someone bought me one and it got me fifty points. So all I had to do was smile? Apparantly it works wonders.

California maki - Yummy...I didn't know that it tasted that good before.

My sister - Love her to bits for being there for me.

How to explain the line above? Hmmm... Dreading moments when you wish you could do something entirely for yourself but can't. I want the other to be happy so I have to make a choice. People are essentially selfish but I would want to be selfless even once. Different suggestions arised, yet I still can't gauge what I should do.

Thankful for every little support I got from friends. It's seems silly but I guess they believe in me then maybe I should too ;)

Once again, be ready for the consequences of your actions. You will have those times when you wish you could just rewind and change what you did. I guess you won't be able to learn something if you did. It's just something that I should take as a lesson to be learned.

Don't be affected -- a new reminder to myself. Even if it seems so difficult to do so. When will I ever learn from my mistakes? It's really what challenges me to do something about it.

"Life is complicated" -- Yes it is but one shouldn't really have to use this reason every time something is just not the way it seems or hope to be. It is 'complicated' as they say but the words just aren't enough to justify the gravity of the complication. Sometimes I think we are the ones who complicate life not really the other way around.

New distraction, which I do appreciate, is unable to totally get me out of my doldrums. Maybe it's working a bit but it's just that I'm rebelling against depending on this new distraction. I just wish I can learn to depend on myself for now.

My biggest pretend: Being this strong person. Where is she at times like this?

Indefinite. As I've said before...no expectations please. ;)

Status - Smiles have been minimal but I've been trying. Certain memories still intrude on my brain cells but I've managed. Thesis has been bothering my mind, but hopefully it will work out.

Goal - Creating new set of memories that seem to be keeping my mind off things.

Extras ;) - Another thing that I'm excited about is the 'playtime' that I mentioned. I'm still unsure if I want to continue or not. Guess what I'm worried about? ---what to wear...haha. I'm also not used to going out almost every week which I have to do if I want to push through with this. Main thing is just to have fun, right? My friends say I deserve this after I've been through. No more dramatic nuisances, okay Zeri?

Guess what? New distraction has been a little more distracting than usual. Old distraction however is still making me hope for something that probably is not going to happen. Conundrums galore? haha ;)

*grbe naka-ilan smiles yan sa isang entry, malapit na talaga yung phase to be over...*

Zeri...Don't do anything that might create a mess

Here I am talking to myself. Again! I just might have to visit a psychiatrist anytime now. (haha) It's hard not to create one, but I'll manage. I just have to keep myself in check.

I have another friend who's having problems with a girl. *sigh. Another round of random advices and encouragement from me but I'm not even sure if they were helping or not. It's just so hard to advice when you feel that it's really difficult because you kinda felt that way before. I just wish that whatever I dished out can help even a little.

Another one: I've been thrown by the numerous triangles that have been forming around. It's kinda exciting, knowing and waiting for something to happen. This is one hell of a story waiting to unfold. ;)

I did say I was doing okay...

Pessimism can be a little contagious. Hmmm....this was something I discovered today when I accompanied my friend who was having a bit of a problem. My initial support and encouragement kind of fell on deaf ears. In the end, he has to do what he thinks is best. I felt his negativity and it again burst old flame of regrets and anxiety within me. It did mellow down though with a message recieved via text ;)

Procrastination can be misleading. This is something that has been common throughout this term. This is our topic for our thesis and we are thoroughly manifesting it. I have to set my priorities. Zeri, you can do this!!!

Playtime for myself is just not this time. How will I deal with the oppurtunity lost though? I do get insecure about myself and what happened Saturday night was just the thing to make me feel like I'm on the top of the world (even for just a little while). I just hope that if I do this, my friends will be there to support me. (sweetly) Artic Vodka anyone? =p

Dancing --- ooh I missed that. So what I did was ask a couple of friends. We went out and it was great (this was minus the 'had too much to drink state'). Just came back from the place where I vowed never to return drunk from again.

Places that I dread because they remind me of the past --- Well, I just went to one and it didn't matter that much. Thank God for friends.

New distraction --- It's too complicated. "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me..." ;)

Old distraction --- So confusing. Well, not really, I just don't want it to be that way I guess. Ano ba gustong mangyari sa buhay ha?

I'm starting to feel a bit happy - the slight temporary high though. ;)

Status: A game of chance. You win some...you lose some. Just be aware of the consequences of your actions. My sister does tell me things I just need to be reminded of.

Wishful thinking: There are places I'd rather not go but can't help it because we actually live in a small world. Anywhere but here comes to mind.

Gratitude: Thank God for people who are able to tell you the right things that help boost your self-esteem. (Darn! I just can't write down your names, it'll create widespread 'stealing', have to keep you guys as my 'cheerers').

Warning: I really don't get it. I can actually have a lot but it's not what I want or need. Chances I rarely give and when I do give one, it backfires. So what now? Do I now give the chance to the most unlikely choice rather than the usual choice?

How to...
Finish thesis as fast as we can? where the hell is our main actress
Get more money? Hmmm....
Find a really cute and hot guy to take my mind off things? si....haha!
Sing better? Practice.
Deal with a stalker? pano ba?
Say thank you a million times to my friends? baka kasi maubusan ako ng boses ;)

By the way the old distraction that is just so slow...is creating more problems for me...why is that? Out with the old and in with the new, is that it? ;)

Distractions - New one (haha). Such a shame that I am unable to do anything about it ;) Another one: an old one that's starting to come back again. I do wonder what might just happen...? Ang tagal kasi eh, kulit...haha

I recently heard a friend of mine and her boyfriend of 5 years I think broke up. It's such a shame but it is really break-up season. I think I created a chain reaction (oops, cguro naman hindi noh!) Haha.

Na-ah...I think I'm enjoying being me again.

Oo na, ang kulit ng mga tao...pati ako =p

I heard this on the radio during those 90s session in 89.9 or was it during the Feel Good Fridays in 89.1? Hmmm...Anyway it should have been the song that I've been singing during the first few weeks. It sounds kinda ewyeck (gagging sound) now that I think and hear about it...but that basically sums up what I felt. I really do feel overly dramatic. I better post this now before I regret it. I understand now why people seem so caught up in a song. It does tell someone's story.

"Out Of Reach"

By Gabrielle

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, so far so good. I feel like I'm coming back to my old self with my little musings, tantrums, and flirtations. Same yet different. Must be something in the November air. Oooh, I do hope it does bring something better;)

Status: Learning new ways to make myself more productive

I haven't been actually. Academics is uninteresting this year. Thesis is the only thing that I really have to concentrate on. My work for Gnw have been a little etchy but still doing good (I hope ;)

Goal: To be optimisitic (just a little please Zeri...)

Coming from a person who's pretty negative, I find it difficult to stay positive (but I'm trying). They say I'm positive towards other people but when it comes to myself...it will need more practice ;) It's going to be a long way before I ever get to sing the song"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands..." (I do wonder when will that be?)

I'm still a girl. (It kinda makes me sound like I don't want to be...haha). I'm still me with all the hopes and longings stashed away somewhere in my mind and heart. It just won't be as visible as it used to be. Independent and strong are the adjectives they use to describe me (although mataray seems to pop up sometimes, hehe!) I would hope that I really am that way. For my sister, my family, and myself especially.

Here's a little something that I hope I can learn. This kind of optimism is something that I should have. I believe all of us can learn from understanding and accepting this.

Daily affirmation

I love and trust myself in every way and I accept myself without judging because I am part of the Universe…

It is possible for me to exceed my goals because beauty, power, and harmony abound in my heart and in my mind.

I am able to love, forgive, and release everything in the past.

I am able to attract as many positive experiences as I want and need and recognize this as part of my individual destiny.

I believe in the unlimited peace and love, which, as a child of the Universe, is my birthright.

~ Anthea Paul

What have I been really saying? I recently skimmed a book that made me realize that I'm still living in the past. The mere fact that I still think about him constantly is proof of that. My rational thinking just fly out of the room whenever I allow this to happen. It's such a vicious cycle. When will it stop?

It really has to start within me. Hmmm....Let's start something different. While I was in those moments where I just wanted to write, I came up with something that I believe suits best to what I've been experiencing. I think it's pretty helpful. A little something I can share with everyone out there.

12 steps to a better you: (in no particular order)

1. Be cheerful again.
2. Take care of yourself - exercise and eat right.
3. Always do something. Keep yourself busy.
4. There's always room for improvement.
5. Be grateful.
6. Smile even for no reason.
7. Be positive.
8. Be determined.
9. Ask for patience and understanding.
10. Be the best in any endeavor that one will partake.
11. Stay strong.
12. Pray

I dedicate this to all women out there...

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.




phenomenally? or just hoping to be..;)