Sentiments...

Pangs of bitterness and anxiety. I'd feel a lot better if I just know the answer. My heart desires inner peace from all these thoughts.

Craving for what is...what might...or might not be. I stare...I keep silent. I treasure...but I deny. Blanks...I am drawing blanks.

I wish you didn't have to be so you.

Do I dare myself to feel something? I find it frightful to even consider the thought of having that...I'm forcing myself to show a shallow self of me...just what I can give...but slowly I thought there should be more...because I start to miss you more.

Schedules...

Time is not my issue or is it? Sounds and sights of people that haunt me...that try to turn my head far away. Sweet talks and murmurs are sugarcoated to entice...Does it lead me far from you? I accept the way they treat me. I find that I live so dangerously. Or is it because I keep 'fallbacks' or 'safety nets' to ebb the pain when the time comes...

Sincerely...

I'd rather show you how much I think you matter...I wait...must be because there is something. I miss...maybe because you hold something. I let...there's a feeling that I can't deny that I like the way you just...

I am afraid...truly I am. I don't want to (...) because I don't want the pain that goes with it. It's part of it but I am weak...I don't want to feel that way again.

Indecision is still part of who I am.

Dismissed...distant...distracted... I am all of these...

I'm feeling oh-so fine...just dandy...hunky-dory! Weehh, how I really wish! SO far, I'm caught up with all the work for orgs and I'm having fun. My time is more 'relaxed' as you might say but still...when time stands still and I start doing nothing...the trouble starts.

Question: Do you believe in coincidences? Or fate? or destiny?

There are times when I base my decisions on such but I'm not sure if it's a good idea...

Bittersweet! Life is bittersweet.

Give me something to take me out of my stagnant state.

For the past week

What I should do: Stand up to face another day.

Conrnered by concern. Can't turn it off? Words are easily said but can't be taken back. Laid back to watch it roll off then there is no response.

Pushing myself.

I just wish that I can make myself feel better not by convincing myself that I will but by actually doing it. What I want right now is to understand what really goes on in my head.

Lost. I just might not find the same person that I was. Ctrl Z can't happen in real life.

Sleep deprivation is one past time I'm familiar with. Am I afraid to fall asleep because I have to face another day? Day in and day out...as the night comes, nothing seems to change.

Back again though...back in safe haven. Worry no more. For life is still moving.

Name calling...sweetened words that turn sour when heard from another person's lips.

She stands around doing nothing. She speaks in words that don't make any sense. They sink in but never letting it flow. Afraid of reality, she strives for the drama. Exaggeration...the madness of...the hyperbole...of words and feelings that come out. She can be you in other worlds because of her extremities.

But she would like to be still...to be silent...to comprehend the words that are coming out. She would ask for forgiveness just by being here...for living, but it still doesn't answer the problem. She tackles unthinkingly. She speaks willingly but tactlessly. Those words are no words...they are knives and arrows to pierce...challenging everyone to try their luck because she wants to be hurt as well. She'd rather feel that because it's more real than doing the one thing that is important --- to just live. Stop with the thinking...and live. Fall down...break down...stand up...try again.

Others -- think of others and not just herself. Mirrors and junctions are just the obstacles. Life does not revolve around her but around others. These 'others' are the ones that deserve the gift of happiness - one that she searches but never grasps. A haunted lie that drips from her mouth to keep up the facade. A game of hide and seek has taken over her body because she says...then she hopes...but never does.

Failure to percieve the meaning of how a person should live which is not in the turmoil of negativity and misery, but rather in great memories and new chances.

Seek and you shall find? Hopelessly or Hopefully?

The usual hate.

Have you tried steering yourself away from disappointment and anguish? It might be too much to comprehend but can't you see the bigger picture?

Still in the throes of passionately hating myself for non-acceptance. I cannot get over the waves that brought me to where I am. Denial is nothing but a phase that I have to achieve.

You nothing but you once again.

The more I dive in...a deeper hole I have to swim. The surface is my solace. I will not let myself sink in the depths of...

Wash away all of these...why can't I take myself away? The grime and the sweat of having you near me. The loneliness in your heart...the questions of your soul, we are one at times but still...never be.

When will I give up? When will I let myself live again? When will I be free?

I will never...never I say. Understanding is not your middle name. It's not mine either. Rules are beyond my comprehension. You just don't get it and I let myself happen. I still want...when it's something that I can do without. The temporary state of having...of wanting. I cannot...please say I will not. Please help me do nothing. Let me...but not me.

Still hating even after...I try to be nonchalant...I try not to let it matter but it does, and it still is...and it probably will be. I'm starting to hate again...and it's coming too close to...(you know what it is). I can never permit myself to say it because I can never let myself be that way again.

Don't you just love it when you just don't know it? Ignorance is bliss? How I wish...

Sidetrack: One of the great series out there: My So Called-Life...I watched it during the Christmas break. I can't believe it was only one season and it was unfinished. *sigh. I feel like there is something missing in my life.

It's hard to see what you can't see. It's all about feelings. Nothing is wrong but nothing is right either. So what can make it all different?

What's done is done...

Still in the phase of wanting...I can't have what I want but it doesn't stop me from craving it.

In denial --> I will always be.

I'm taken by the mere sounds and sights of you. Slight. Nothing will change though. You are you. I am me. It just is.

I'm waiting for me to realize that I should not even be waiting.

Question: Looking for a noun which means 'the event of being born' or 'the time when something begins'? ;)

22 is my number, the number of times I've cried in a week for losing something that mattered, the number of ways of wanting to perish on days I feel depressed, the number of meanings I can probably create regarding love, the number of regrets I felt for not having the one thing that matter, the number of sighs I must have spent for you, the number of misgivings for a character that I wish to help, the number of kisses on your lips that meant so much for me that day, the number of guys who must have wanted to be with me but can't because of me, the number of thank yous in a day I want to give to my friends who are always there, the number of reasons why I just can't be happy, the number of gifts I wish I can give to the less fortunate each day, the number of wishes I want to give to my family, the number of chocolates I wish I can take in a day, the number of lies that I must have given on some days, the number of hugs I wish to receive everyday, the number of denials for losing whatever, and the number of years I have spent on this Earth today.


* 22 stories
1. Being the eldest
2. Having a sister
3. Separation of parents
4. Close proximity with relative/s
5. Realizing my friends
6. Creating highschool memories
7. Deciding to open up
8. Finding out about pregnancy and second families
9. Going to college
10. Losing a loved one
11. Wanting to die
12. Regretting
13. Getting drunk for the first time
14. Turning 18
15. Learning new ways to find fulfillment
16. Establishing new friendships
17. Pushing people away
18. Falling in love
19. Crashing down
20. Pulling myself back together
21. Becoming a stronger person
22. Learning not to hate myself

(*a concept from a friend who comes up with 50 great ideas in a day,
thanks!)

In the heart of a serious matter: Hurt. Words that are uttered by me. I never meant to hurt the very person that gave me life. The very person that gave me strength, understanding and will. I hate myself for speaking, for selfishness, and for ingratitude. Change...can I really change?

Momentum I never thought that it could happen to me but it did. Am I becoming immune to the consequences of my actions? Am I too weak or I just let myself be this way? Impulsiveness will get me into trouble. Regrets after are nowhere to be seen. A mouth spoke and told me to look within...then I realized what I did. I have nowhere to run. I cannot make myself regret this because I wanted to do it. Nothing can change the fact that I did it.

I accept the way I am. The problem is what people would think -- this shouldn't be the case.

I'm not like others -- I can't let myself be ruled by the rigidness of society. I am me. No one is like me. I can be me. Can you just let me be me?

You. Nothing but you but somehow you've let me in. Never having you but you are having me. How can I break this chain? When you know you can never because I can never...Please...I am trying. Again. *linger ~~~~ you always do

Illusions. I am but a fool. I am swept by momentary insanity.

New year's resolution: Thou shall not hate oneself. I will try...