The Halloween Party was great. It was tiring but I think it went well. The people were really into the whole 'wear a costume' scenario. It was fun just seeing people enjoy. Stories were shared and even a game of deprivation ensued. It was kind of nerve-racking especially if you get to know things about certain people. Drinks were pretty much flowing. Videoke session was the highlight especially when people started to really get into the whole singing (probably because most of the people were either drunk or just want to sing a lot). Good thing, I stopped before I got a bit drunk. I'm actually good at it huh. Limits are limits haha.

"Ate, Mommy, Friend, Doctor" - These labels were given to me. I've been taking care of a lot of people. The funny label was the "doctor" --> What I meant was I've been giving a lot of advice for these guys. Good conversationalist, right? Anyway, I just wish that sometimes I get to take my own advices to people. I guess it's difficult to advice oneself.

I tried going out again but I didn't feel anything at all. Been asked out several times but I just can't get myself to go out there. I'm still missing him. As usual people just tell me that it's a matter of time. What if however that after the time of healing has passed...I still feel the same towards him? Hay naku Let's not deal with 'what ifs' right now. I just gave the same advice to a friend and here I am trying to test the waters with my 'what ifs'

I just wish I can be a little happy. Just a little would be okay for now...

Expectations and Distractions.

Have I been expecting for something to happen? Maybe a big part of me is really hoping for that. A big distraction to really take my mind off things...Party galore? ;) Cebu trip? ;) --> hopefully

Talking is an activity for distraction expecially if you get to talk to interesting people. However, there are some people who are just not cut out for conversation. It's sad really because I believe having a good conversation with someone is a good start for a great friendship.

Friends are really a comfort to have around. The feeling of comfort and security. Thank you so much.

Pretty bland I must say. I'd probably start writing boring entries now, haha, Wag naman.

Status : Still wishing for temporary amnesia.

It won't happen anyway unless I 'accidentally' bump my head somewhere and hope that it will give me amnesia for 3 months (just to function better for our thesis). I'm not even sure that I'll get amnesia, I just might get a major head wound. ;)

How does anybody do anything around here? My friend told me that I just have to do it and try as long as I can. She tells me I'm strong and I can do just about anything. I guess I'm still letting my emotions run amock. Rationally I know that he's not good enough for me, that I deserve better, yada-yada. Last few weeks that we were together, I felt that I was being taken for granted but still I loved him. I did tell him that once I said the words I can never take it back. I stuck by it but I guess he didn't. Everybody is different. I'm not saying he was wrong or I was right. There's no question about who's right or wrong. It just is.

A month...I'm going for 2 months and they say it'll do the trick.

Kulit ko noh? Nakakasawa na sa bwi-sit na lalaki na yan. Di bale...before you know it...I'll just be...;)

Concessions I've made. I thought wrong. There were a lot but I guess what didn't matter then made a whole lot of difference when you're faced with nothing in the end.

Excuses I've created. I should have taken things at face value and learn to trust when it is needed. I will try not to make the same mistakes again.

Life isn't the movies even with the drama we create in it. If it were, then we will be able to rewind,fast-forward, pause and play around our lives.

Change is inevitable with me. I hope that in time...I'll be a much stronger person. I have a friend who also recently broke up with her boyfriend. She was pretty much like I was (hmmm okay...) --> am (wishing for amnesia, wanting to hate, trying to get to the point where indifference is just around the corner...)

I just hope when I come to read these entries of mine, I'll be able to laugh it off. For now, I just want to get through one day at a time.

State of 'first' - it's either something that is truly memorable or very shattering because you've never experienced it before. Pick one? ;)

"I hate myself more than I hate you. " - I remember this phrase like it was yesterday. A fight I had with him that made me realize now how attached I was. Yes, I'm still remembering - not a day goes by without a single thought of him. I wanted to have amnesia or something like that but my friend said not to forget because you can never forget. She told me to face it because then I will realize that I am better off without him. One time I came home and I felt another low. I asked my sister why it was so hard. Her answer to me, "He's the first guy you ever loved, that's why." Hence, the introduction above.

Firsts can be a jam sometimes. You just have to realize how to deal with this kind of situation. I realize that if you're going through something for the first time, you have to really think before doing anything. Did I? ;)

*Overanalytical Zeri working her mind yet again.

Status: Learning indifference is hard work. ;)

"Think of yourself and what's best for you." - I've been saying this to myself for the past week. Is it working? ;)

I enjoy being able to make people happy. I realize that if I was all powerful, I would like everyone that I care about to be happy. For now, I want something for myself for just a little bit. I haven't been able to smile for a while and if I did that's just for show. I wouldn't want people to worry about me anymore.

Routines have been my daily activities. Waking up in the morning has never been so distasteful in my entire life. I asked my sister the other day, "What drives you? What do you look forward to in your life?" She said, "That's what I am looking for. Sometimes it's the little things in life such as my love for nature and food." I've felt that before...the little things that made me happy like my little brother - his silly antics and loving hugs used to make me look forward to a new day. I haven't felt that way again. It makes me sad that I'm starting to feel cynical. It is as if life is telling me, "Grow up Zeri because you can never be Peter Pan." ;(

Responsibilities weigh down on my shoulders. I try to do everything that people ask me to especially my mom. It has been ingrained in me that I have to be because Dad isn't here anymore. I've already stopped blaming him, especially when things go bad. My 'regret list' should have been deleted by now but it's still there. It's a reminder. Maybe in the future I'll be able to realize that I won't be needing it. It's just difficult to stay positive, for me anyway.

* Note: Love, which makes you do silly things, will never be the same again. I"m learning indifference.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." - Elie Wiesel

Everything in balance.

Yin and Yang. Good and Bad. Heaven and Hell. Life and Death. Ups and downs. Happiness and Sadness.

One is never without the other.

I've been better. I got mad recently. It was because of work. It's been so long since I lost my temper and I kinda snapped at someone. I really didn't mean to. I did it again recently to a close friend of mine. She's been very supportive and I've been an utter ass. *sigh...I can be such a melodramatic person at times. I'm starting to hate mostly myself. It's starting to sink in that I haven't really been taking care of myself. I'll try my best again.

I'm missing him. I don't quite understand why it seems so easy for him and not for me. At the beginning of it all...I didn't even like him to be more than just my friend. But in the end, it just happened. He was oh so persistent. I tried pushing him away. I should have followed my instincts and never should have let my defenses down. I guess all I did was trust him. Something that I might not be able to do to another person for a long time again. He gave up and I guess he fell in love with me for all the wrong reasons. He fell in love with his expectations of me. My feelings, on the other hand, well, it's better if I read them again after a month or so.

Yearnings - I do not want to be in a state of hoping.

Weaknesses - I still feel the pain of losing.

Releases - I wish to be free of feeling.

A reminder... and a last look.



You'll probably be always in my heart.

Life has a way of nipping you on the butt when you least expect it. When it does, it's either you laugh or cry about it. Hmmm...what did I do? ;)

Another session of drinking ensued last Saturday. Fortunately, I was able to control myself. As I've said, I will not allow a repeat of what happened the last time. Friends were there...a bit of distraction. Attending the last UAAP game also did wonders. I didn't realize that court side action can be so exciting. It was an adrenalin rush. It's such a shame that La Salle lost though.

Sleeping - a state where your mind starts to free itself and think of the unconscious. I don't really like this state because I don't enjoy waking up. It's usually the time when I think of him - at that moment where you are between the last stages of sleep and the early beginnings of a new day.

Doubts - undeniably a lot from the past couple of weeks. People telling you all sorts of things that make you insecure and paranoid. You become rational and then overanalytical then it starts to eat you up inside. Stop. In the end, it all boils down to trusting myself and him. You're the only two people who really knows what happened.

Love - undeniably a force to reckon with great care. People have their own definitions and ways of understanding this word. I've never really understood when people say that, "I just don't love you anymore." Is it even possible? Does love stop? Where does it go?

Future - a time that I should look forward to. I'm almost there...one day at a time.

Thank you.

He's so not worth it. Yes, Zeri. Get yourself back on your feet. This is what you should have done in the first place and that was to get mad. Anger eases the tension and prevents the whole crying thing. It will take some time getting used to the fact that Yes, Zeri...he's not going to be there. Maybe it's a process. The crying then the getting mad then the what? I haven't reached that part yet but I'm hoping it's somewhere along the lines of getting even. Apparantly, I'm a vengeful person. It's my own style of getting even. I'm not the type who would intentionally hurt someone but I would just do it for myself. Make myself feel better - make myself a better person. Indifference would be the sweetest revenge. I'm not sure if I'll be able to right away but the way I'm feeling right now, well I hope it's pretty soon.

What am I so afraid of anyway? Being single? I remember someone telling me, "Zeri, what happened? You were such a player." Darn, love does make you do crazy things. I still do. Haha! Zeri talaga grrr...

Nothing is ever what it seems.

Apparantly, I wasn't that indifferent.

The power of alcohol created a new meaning of depression within me. So far, this is my worst ever experience of being drunk even worse than the very first time when I cried because my father passed away. At least my cousins were there to see me through it.

I could never really hold myself very well. This time around I have never felt so alone. The people around me last night was very kind and supportive but I just couldn't hold on to anyone. I will never let something like this happen again.

Waking up the next day...I never felt so scared. I've been having nightmares and everytime I open my eyes I feel like I was spinning and falling into a blackhole. I also felt trapped in a dark place. I've been dreaming of different people. Most of them were just looking right past me as if I wasn't there. It especially hurt when I see people that I know and I try to let them see me but they just can't.

My thoughts have never strayed far from him yet. I really want to function. I want myself back again. Why is it so difficult? Am I really this weak? I just feel like I keep losing people around me everytime they got too near. That is one of the reasons why I've never really let anyone get too close. Another reason is that I'm also afraid of getting hurt eventhough I know that it's part of life. Words are easily said but reality doesn't make these words easy to bear.