"Indifference is the fulfillment of hate" - No, I don't hate him (that much haha). I did a little, of course. But isn't love usually connected with hate? So I guess it goes the same way...I'm starting to feel indifferent, just as long as I don't keep remembering our memories too fondly.

Learning - I have learned much from this experience. Crying was a release when I think about it. Feelings are sometimes so controlling. I should be thankful that I met him, tried him and let him go.

I do love him and I'm thankful that I met him. Someone asked me, "What if you can do it all over again, would you still do it knowing that you guys won't end up together?" Haha...Yes! Even after all the crying and being pathetic and all.

Thank you for everyone who listened to me and heard me groan about this. Life is such a drama and I just made it more colorful.

Irrationality - Love does make you do silly things. Where is the 'rational choice'? It loses itself in the feelings that is manifested by actions.

Attachments - Probably the reason why I felt that I was losing myself. Have I been so wrapped up in him? Did I become too dependent on having him around?

Realizations - They are still vague. I think my emotions just won't let me do what I have to do. That is why I haven't decided on what I should do. Thoughts (yeah, yeah...of him)... are still persisitent at the back of my head when I suddenly stop and do nothing. (*sigh...oops, no more sigh-ing, I just don't listen to myself). A big part of me though just wants to move on. Be at the point where I can just laugh or just be indifferent about this. Just a little more...

Regrets - Thou shall not wallow in them. It's pretty difficult for me. I'm trying not to. This is my one big flaw and maybe I'll learn sometime in the future that it doesn't really help.

Final word : My mom said, "How can you know happiness when you don't know sadness?" How cliche...but true, well on my part anyway.

Chances and Risks - Life is full of them. The biggest one that I took was on him. That's probably the reason why I'm hurting right now. I still believe that there's still a chance (my pessimistic self hasn't kicked in when it comes to him.)

Expectations - Maybe I got carried away. I should know that anything can happen just like that (*action: snapping my fingers) . Nothing is ever certain nor forever.

Different advices duly noted. Numerous people have been giving me their own little say on what's happening with me right now. I don't usually trust my own judgement - maybe it's my insecurity that's preventing me to do anything. In the end, I know that I still have to listen to myself.

Feeling low. Feeling bad.
Never felt this kind of thing can happen so fast.

The high I've felt. The joy you make.
Never knew that your love was not mine.

Not giving up on you. Even if time will not stop.
Never say never.

A thousand words can be uttered but the fact remains that I have never been able to deal. My words will probably be the same. I just wish...I can't. I just have to realize that there are some things that I just have to deal with even if it feels so hard to do. If I really love the person, then I should know better than to keep insisting on what makes me happy. It's difficult because I wish that I can be part of his happiness. Selfishness is the enemy of love and that's what I am right now.

Current status: Unable to understand. Disillusioned by him.

Hated words: Space and distance. It seems so unreachable yet these are things that I have to respect.

Hopeful words: Acceptance and Self-control. What I should do right now is to wait and see. I'll probably try to do something that I shouldn't do.

Emotions to bear: Anxiety and Nostalgia. I'd rather feel nothing. I never expected it to hurt this much.

Overall: I miss him so much and I can't do anything about it.

Misconceptions and emotions are two things that have been riding my whole system. I get paranoid and then I get emotional. I haven't really figured out what makes me so sensitive these days. i cry a lot ( I'm not like this before). First I thought that maybe it's because I have never been in a realtionship before - especially one that's really serious. I've always kept my distance but my defenses were shattered by him. Another theory is that it is because of the pills that I have been taking (which I stopped already). I can't pinpoint which from this two is the cause (probably both).

Patience - something I've been practicing for the past week. I took the advice of my friend to just take one day at a time. I have been a wreck the last time I tried planning a lot in my mind. That's why I decided to make this work by keeping myself as nonchalant as I possibly can (well, to some certain extents, I don't really overdo it...I'm still a girl in love with him). The last time...I felt like I was losing myself. I hated myself. I wasn't all bad but I just didn't want to be like that. I felt that I was becoming dependent on being able to see or be with him. Is it necessarily bad? It isn't but it just doesn't feel right. I'm probably building new defenses and that's what scares me.

Karma - what goes around comes around. I believe in this philosophy. It bothers me a lot that I still continue to do things that I shouldn't when I have this belief hanging on my head. I never do things intentionally though. It's just that these are things that I got used to doing because I experienced getting away with it. I never let things get too far but my definition of what 'too far' has already led me into trouble.

Stressed - definition of me. Emotionally stressed to be more exact. I've been creating 'waterworks' very recently. I've been trigger-sensitive and I can't help but feel like I'm losing myself.

Happiness - still in pursuit. Am I happy? Someone asked me that question recently. The question was in relation to 'being happy with this person'. I answered hesitantly with a yes. The hesitation brings me back to the word stress. Maybe I hesitated because I'm not able to handle emotions and feelings very well. For the record though, this person does make me happy but he aggravates me equally as well (more likely that's the reason for the hesitation). I guess this balance is what makes me sane. Happiness on my own however yields a different answer.

Understanding is fairly difficult. When you start saying "you just don't understand" to someone who just didn't have the same way of thinking as yours, does it necessarily mean this person is wrong and you're right? What does it take for someone to understand?

I will try this route: telling myself I understand but in fact I really don't. I tend to think a lot and it seems to lead to more trouble than I've ever known. Why is it that when you think more you dig a deeper hole for yourself than when you think less?

Digging deeper. I'm currently in that hole I can't seem to get out unless I stop thinking too much and just let things happen. I hope that I could be a spectator just for once. Just observe. I'm not much of a passive person though, that's the problem.

On love. Well I've never been much of a fan of this topic. I don't understand this. I used to be confident enough to tell someone what love is according to my philosophy teacher - "Love is a rational choice." This definition goes out the window for me when I started feeling that "I am in love." Notice my choice of of words 'in love' - a state. What happened to me was there wasn't a choice. It just is. Rationality doesn't even define the feelings that I seem to have. Is this really love? Maybe it's just emotions that look, sound, taste and feel like love. One word. A whole lot of different meanings and perceptions. *sigh...I just don't understand.

"From me from you
Like any other thought
Nothing escapes"


Deceiving, leaving
Unsatiable appetite
Harness the will to say
Something more and nothing less

Freeing, seeing
Untouched by your presence
Held on to myself
Silently I give it to you

Speaking, weeping
Uttered words are in despair
Hand my last embrace
Sigh-ed and said goodbye

I haven't opened this page for a very long time. I'm not sure what came over me and I decided to revive the old tradition. Thanks to long-time influences of the 'Zen Clan' which I'm not sure still exists. It will continue to remain in my heart though. I think I should start again and maybe this will help me clear out my thoughts in times of trouble. My previous posts were all on the safe side and my life looked pretty 'bland'. I do hope after a few years, I have the spice that I need.